Violence against women: What to do if you or someone you know needs help
According to Statistics Canada, rates of intimate partner violence were even higher in 2022 than in 2020 – which is when the pandemic first began and led to a spike. (Istock)
On Dec. 6, 1989, a man entered École Polytechnique in Montréal where he shot and killed 14 female engineering students, and injured 13 others. The shooter, who then took his own life, left a note that said he hated “feminists.”
To recognize the anniversary of this tragedy, known as the Montreal Massacre, on Wed., Dec. 6, a National Day of Remembrance and Action on Violence Against Women Memorial will take place at Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU).
The event will be held from 12-1:30 p.m. at the Sears Atrium, Engineering Building, 245 Church St. All TMU community members are welcome.
The memorial is an opportunity to reflect and renew the university’s commitment to end patriarchal violence that manifests in men's violence against women and gender-oppressed people.
It’s important to note that while there are many contexts in which violence is committed against women, this article will focus on intimate partner violence (IPV) in the home, highlighting the steps a woman can take if she is experiencing abuse, and how a friend or family member can help someone who is.
‘Shadow pandemic’
According to Statistics Canada, between 2009 and 2014, intimate partner violence in Canada generally declined. But it has been on the rise ever since - and saw a dramatic spike in March 2020 when the pandemic hit. The increase was so significant, the United Nations called it a “shadow pandemic.”
Lockdowns and social restrictions led to extreme social isolation. Professor Sepali Guruge, a researcher with TMU’s Daphne Cockwell School of Nursing, said that isolation is the “worst thing” that can happen to a person living with domestic violence.
Intimate partner violence in Canada today
Post-pandemic, despite that lockdowns and social restrictions have eased, a November 2023 Statistics Canada report (based on data from 2022) shows the rates of intimate partner violence in Canada remains unchanged.
In fact, the report shows:
- In 2022, overall rates of intimate partner violence were higher than in 2019 (the year before the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic) and 2020 (the first year of the pandemic, when many people were dealing with stressful circumstances)
- Rates of intimate partner violence were 19% higher in 2022 compared with 2014
- From 2014 to 2022, there were large increases in intimate partner violence among adults aged 25 to 64 years (+32%) and seniors aged 65 years and older (+42%)
- Compared with 2014, intimate partner sexual assault was 163% higher in 2022
Guruge says that post-pandemic, there are a few factors fueling the steady rates - the ongoing impact of the pandemic, and the “uncertainty” about the continuing spread of Covid-19, among other things.
She notes that “while schools are open, and many businesses and workplaces have gone back to in-person status, this is not so for all. Social isolation continues to different degrees for different groups, families, and individuals.”
“This situation, coupled with the post-pandemic increase in the cost of living - including tremendous spikes in the cost of food and housing - is creating considerable stress,” she said.
Sepali Guruge (RN, BScN, MSc, PhD) is a professor with the Daphne Cockwell School of Nursing. Her research has involved interpersonal violence, socio-economic marginalization and much more.
So, what should a woman do if she’s experiencing intimate partner violence? And how might a friend or family member help someone who’s experiencing it? To help answer these questions, TorontoMet Today sat down with Prof. Guruge, whose research has focused on intimate partner violence against women. Read her expert advice and insights below.
Q&A with Professor Sepali Guruge
Professor Guruge: It’s important to make sure that they can continue to survive the situation. Leaving an abusive relationship is never easy. When a person has been isolated from their family and friends, and day in day out physically, emotionally, psychologically, and/or sexually assaulted, and financially controlled, and their activities are monitored and restricted, it is very hard to plan to escape. They may blame themselves for the situation they are in. Feelings of uncertainty, fear, and powerlessness can be overwhelming. Any attempt at leaving the abuser can escalate the violence. All of this can be paralyzing.
It’s important to know that they are not the cause of their abuser’s behaviour. They deserve to live a safe and happy life. They are not alone, and as hard as it may be, it is important to try and reach out for help. The first step may be to speak to a trusted person – a friend, a neighbour, a nurse, a doctor, a colleague, a teacher, or a classmate, and ask for their help.
Be careful about conflicting relationships. For example, a trusted person may be friends with the abusive partner. Anyone trying to escape a violent relationship should know that they can call 911, crisis hotlines, and shelters. Shelters and other service providers may be able to help access job training, housing, legal aid, childcare, and other support one may need to start a life separate from the abuser.
Make escape plan, prepare documents
Anyone preparing to escape an abusive situation should keep track of where important documents such as birth certificates, social security cards, and bank records are (for themselves and their children) in case they need to leave home in a hurry. If possible, keep them in a safe place or make copies without alarming their abusive partner. Make a plan (for example, how and when and with whom) to go to a safe place, such as a shelter or a family member's home.
Once again, make sure to avoid conflicting relationships where family members may feel torn about not disclosing safety plans to the abusive partner. Call the police at any time you feel you are in immediate danger.
Stay alert
Staying safe may mean staying alert for signs of an abuser getting angry. Most individuals living with intimate partner violence are good at this in order to survive. Think about potential credible reasons for getting out of the house at different times of the day. It is important to know where in the house is safer (for example, a room with a phone, a window or outside door) for when a situation escalates, and they need to call for help or need time until help arrives. Come up with a code word to signal to others when they must call the police. Be ready to leave quickly (have cash, clothing, and important documents ready in a bag in a safe place), make a list of emergency contacts and memorize some key contact information.
You can also contact domestic violence and violence against women programs in the area. If seeking out such services, pay attention to covering “tracks” - which may require using public phones or using a phone at a friend’s place, deleting computer history, using a public library to look up resources in the area, or keeping an eye on any tracking devices the abuser may have planted.
Professor Guruge: If you suspect that someone is experiencing intimate partner violence, please reach out to them. Start the conversation on a positive note with genuine compliments. Make sure that you have thought through how you plan to stay calm and supportive during these conversations. Let the person open up about the situation without you forcing them to disclose or blaming them for not asking for help, etc.
Let them know that they are not alone, that you love them the way they are, and that you want to be there for them to get through difficult times in life. The focus should be on creating a safe space for them to open up to you. It might be wise to avoid words such as abuse, violence, assault, abuser, perpetrator, and victim. While the person is a victim, they are also a survivor. It is important to acknowledge their strength. They may still love the abusive partner, and may become upset if you call their partner “an abuser” or “perpetrator” or engage in name calling.
Focus on support
Comment on the specific behaviour and activities of the abuser instead of saying that they are in an abusive or violent relationship. Perhaps use your own or others’ experience of abuse to make the person feel that they are not alone. But keep the conversation focused on supporting them. It is important to let the person know that they are not to be blamed for the activities and the behaviours of their abusive partner, and that abuse is never okay.
Ask them to speak to someone who might be able to offer additional support – perhaps at the school, university, or workplace, or speak to someone anonymously over the phone (via a hotline) to get access to resources and additional supports to put a safety plan in place.
Professor Guruge: Abusers can be both extremely charming and extremely controlling. This makes it very difficult for a woman to get out or stay out. The victim’s fear of the abuser is legitimate. Also, they may be embarrassed about what the abuser is doing to them. If they deny being in an abusive relationship and you walk away, they may lose you - perhaps that one person that recognizes the abuse and can be there to support the person.
Being in an abusive relationship is not easy to come to terms with. Telling someone about being in an abusive relationship is even harder because of the shame attached to it. All you can do is be patient and be supportive, and be ready to help. Knowing that someone is there to support the person to arrive at a decision that works for that person at a time that is safe for that person is critical for them. Trust is hard to come by when you are in an abusive relationship. This is what you can provide.
Professor Guruge: If someone tells you that they are being abused, please take them seriously. Everyone has a role to play in helping someone in an abusive situation. It is not something that happens to some unknown persons. It is in our lives. Anyone of us can be a victim and a survivor of domestic violence. Let them know that you believe them, and that they can trust you to support them. Let them know that you will figure out with them what to do because each situation and each relationship is unique. Let them know that there is help and that they don’t have to tolerate violence.
Make a safety plan
Encourage and support the person to make a safety plan even if they are not ready to leave the abuser. Having a clear safety plan can make the person feel a sense of control and security. But be prepared to accept that they may not be able to leave the abuser for a range of reasons. Among other reasons, it is the fear of being killed (or harm to their children or other family members) that stops most from leaving.
At the end of the day, we need to be prepared to support the person with the decision they make. Make sure to keep things confidential. This is important for the person’s safety and to ensure that they can trust you. However, if you see the situation is escalating and becoming unsafe for the person, call for help (including 911).
Professor Guruge: You should never minimize the situation they are in, or challenge their decisions and actions in a way that minimizes their decision-making ability. You do not know what is going on and the person may not tell you everything because of shame or embarrassment of what is being done to them, or because of safety reasons.
As I mentioned before, you should never disclose what the victim is telling you to the abuser, or even other close friends and family as they may share the information with the abuser. Please ask for the victim’s permission before taking any action unless you believe that the person is in immediate danger.
Professor Guruge: Please get help to get out of the abusive situation. If this is not possible, get help and resources to better manage the situation at home, for example, to reduce the incidences of abusive episodes, and/or to document the abuse in case you decide to take legal action. Plan how and when you want to get out. Know that the abuse can often escalate to severe violence. Be prepared to call 911 or other support.
Professor Guruge: Research is clear that women victims return to the abusive relationship many times – often as many as seven or more times before they leave the person for good. If they have children, this makes it even harder.
It’s important to note that what one can do in rural contexts is different from that in urban settings. In rural settings, a person may not be able to get timely access to 911 due to the distance, they may need a vehicle to leave in a hurry, or the available police officers may be friends with the abuser. There also may not be neighbours close by. They have to plan even more so regarding how and when, and with whom to work, to flee the situation, and where to go.
Additional challenges
It’s also important to note that individuals who are marginalized because of their racialized status, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender identity, immigration status, and different levels of physical, mental, and cognitive abilities have an even harder time getting help. Intimate partner violence in same-sex relationships is often underreported. Trans and non-binary individuals in some communities may not be able to get family support.
As well, not everyone can call hotlines or reach out to other such help, for instance, if they do not speak English or French fluently. Their abuser may have confiscated their immigration documents or other forms of identification, which makes it difficult to reach out for help when they may have nothing to show to prove who they are. Even if they did, they may hesitate to do so because of their immigration status, or prior discriminatory or racist experience with the police or other authorities. So, it is equally important that we work together to create systemic responses to end intimate partner violence.
Please note:
As we recognize the gender-based violence that occurred against women in the Montreal Massacre, and that women are the majority of the victims of violence, this Q&A has focused on the abuse of women by their intimate partners in a marital or nonmarital intimate or non-intimate spousal relationship in the home.
However, it is important to recognize that trans and non-binary communities are targeted at a high rate of intimate partner violence (IPV) in the forms of physical, sexual, and psychological harm, which is 1.7 times higher than cisgender people.
IPV is a form of patriarchal violence that impacts the university community deeply. Young women, trans, two-spirit and non-binary people between the ages of 15 to 24 are the most at risk of IPV in the country. The rates are even higher for marginalized communities, including but not limited to Black, Indigenous, racialized, 2SLGBTQIA, and women with disabilities.
Resources:
If you or someone you know is experiencing intimate partner violence or domestic violence, please consult the following resources, provided by TMU’s Consent Comes First (CCF), which works with survivors of gender-based violence, including intimate partner violence and sexual violence:
- Safety Planning
- Connect to services
- Reporting Options
- Healing Comes In Waves Podcast: for survivors of all forms of violence (external link)
- Supporting TMU employees
- We Heal Together: A colouring book for Black Survivors
- Trans Lifeline (external link) : Support for trans people in crisis (from the trans community)
- Possibility Seeds Podcast (external link) : Resource on gender justice activism in Canada