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Six Tips to Deal with Dating Anxiety for Valentine’s Day

Ryerson experts offer tips for dealing with dating anxiety, whether you have a date for Valentine’s Day or not.
By: Ariella Lenton-Brym and Dr. Martin M. Antony
February 08, 2018

Valentine’s Day can make even the most confident of us nervous. The needless pressure to be that much more romantic with your partner, to indicate your deepening interest in a new relationship, or to find a date for the big day can be cause for distress. The situation is that much more dire for those who suffer from social anxiety.

Whether you have a date for Valentine’s Day or not, here are here are some pieces of advice to keep in mind when dealing with dating anxiety.

  1. Don’t avoid going on dates. People often respond to dating anxiety by avoiding dating altogether. In the short-term, avoiding dating protects us from experiencing our feared outcomes (humiliation, awkwardness, disappointment, etc.). However, by avoiding dating, we deprive ourselves of the opportunity to learn that the worst-case scenarios we imagine are actually unlikely to occur. Avoidance maintains anxiety, whereas exposure to one’s fears diminishes it.
  2. Remember – success in dating requires taking risks. Asking people out on dates increases the risk of rejection; most dates do not lead to successful, long-term relationships.  So why do it? Your chances of success increase with your willingness to take risks.  If the odds of a date leading to a happy relationship are 1 in 20, then asking someone out once per year would take you 20 years to get into a relationship.  On the other hand, if you take the risk a couple of times per week, you may find yourself in a new relationship within months. Successful dating requires a willingness to be rejected.
  3. Recognize that some anxiety is normal. Imagine that you feel anxious about an upcoming date. In response, you tell yourself that feeling anxious is wrong, that your date will be able to tell that you’re anxious, and that the date will inevitably go poorly. Now imagine that instead of criticizing yourself, you respond to your anxiety with an attitude of nonjudgmental awareness, and you remind yourself that it is a normal response to new situations. Which option feels better? Accepting anxiety will help prevent it from escalating.
  4. Challenge your anxious thoughts. When preparing for a date, it’s common to have anxiety-provoking thoughts. You might start to think of bad past dates and tell yourself, “there is no point to going – they won’t like me anyway.” It’s important to recognize when you’re only paying attention to the evidence that supports negative thoughts, and not to the evidence that refute them. Break the cycle of negative by referring to times when dates have gone well or when people who have enjoyed your company.
  5. Refocus attention. Oftentimes people will get lost in their thoughts while they’re on a date. If you find yourself worrying about what your date thinks of you or whether you’re being sufficiently engaging, you might prevent yourself from really getting to know someone and having a good time. If you find your thoughts wandering, try to redirect your attention to the present experience, focusing on what your date is saying and the sensations you’re experiencing in the environment.
  6. Even if it doesn’t go well – consider it a win. Some dates are better than others. Even if your date doesn’t go as well as you had hoped, take some time to consider what you did gain from going out. Did you have an interesting conversation? Learn that nothing truly bad will happen? Or,  recognize that you are able to cope if you are rejected? If you consider each date as a learning opportunity, you are less likely to be disappointed.  

Ariella Lenton-Brym is a graduate student in the Department of Psychology at Ryerson University in Toronto.  She is currently conducting research on social anxiety in intimate relationships.  For more information about her study, Social Anxiety Study.

Dr. Martin M. Antony is a professor in the Department of Psychology at Ryerson University in Toronto.  He is author of 30 books including the Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook.

To arrange for an interview with Ariella Lenton-Brym or Martin M. Antony, please contact Elise Cotter, Public Affairs.

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Elise Cotter
Media Relations Officer
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416-979-5000 x 7161
elise.cotter@ryerson.ca