The beauty of friendship

True friendship can be challenging to find. It’s a rare coincidence to meet someone out of the blue, and then completely be immersed in each other’s lives. As the saying goes, “People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” Journalist and author Anita Lahey knows this feeling all too well. She was lucky to find that person in her beloved childhood friend, Louisa. Lahey’s book, The Last Goldfish, reminisces about her cherished memories and growing into womanhood with Louisa. From growing up in Burlington together and deciding to both study at Ryerson University, it’s clear the two girls were a pair and began to tackle life together. But most importantly, Louisa was and still is such a relevant and meaningful part of her life. Louisa passed away in 1994 from cancer, at the age of 22. When Lahey, now 49, lost her friend, her first impulse was to write about her. By somehow keeping something of her life in the world by writing it down, she wanted to bring her story to people who didn’t know her and for the world to know who she was. Because after all, Louisa was quite an extraordinary person.

“She was special, but we all feel that way when we lose someone, especially someone young. You hear how wonderful they were and what a loss it is to the world. Whether she was special more than anyone else I can’t say, but she was to me, and to anyone else who knew her well,” says Lahey.

The pair met in French class in the ninth grade when an outgoing and friendly Louisa first spoke to Lahey, and she became an instant ally. Lahey was a bookworm and like many in adolescence, had difficulties socially. She did well in school but her shyness was sometimes seen by  other classmates as signs that she was uptight and better than them. But she opened up more having Louisa around because she was so approachable and comfortable with all kinds of people. 

“I was lucky to have that person, I could always count on her being there. I know how lucky I was to have that person around. She was a doorway to a lot of life I would not have access to. And she was also full of spirit and purpose. We both had a drive to do something that mattered with our lives,” says Lahey. Louisa was always so sure about what she wanted the future to look like. She was a person filled with ideas and full of energy, even when she was sick. One month she’d have an idea of what she wanted and what she was going to do – and then she would have another idea the next month that was just as good, full of purpose, excitement and commitment. She had a big appetite for possibility and had different things she was passionate about.

It’s no doubt that the two girls were each other’s rocks. But they did what any other teenage girls did while going through adolescence. After school, they would eat noodles in the kitchen listening to Billy Joel or R.E.M., while discussing their love for the book Anne of Green Gables and the latest boys they were interested in.

Even afterLouisa already had a few health scares and surgeries, they decided to still attend Ryerson University together. Louisa wanted to study broadcast journalism and Lahey wanted to write, so they applied and got accepted into the Journalism program. Louisa ended up switching programs after her first year and began studying at the RTA School of Media, . Louisa’s health took a turn for the worst during her second year, and she began developing more small tumours underneath her skin. Lahey remembers being worried for her friend and wasn’t sure what was going to happen. It was difficult watching her friend go through surgery after surgery, but she tried to do her best to be available and supportive. It was a tough time. “When we got older and she got sick, it started to interfere with her idea of what her life was going to be about and that was hard for her and hard for me,” says Lahey.  

As Louisa got sicker and couldn’t finish her degree in RTA, she sat Lahey down and described what she wanted at her funeral. It was a shock to know Louisa might not make it, but it was a conversation she wanted to have. Lahey went along with it and listened to her friend. “I don’t think I fully took it in, but I was more thinking about what my job was and taking in what she needed me to do. I needed to do what I could for her. It probably didn’t fully sink in at the moment which is true for a lot of things in life. Sometimes things don’t sink in after years of experiencing them,” says Lahey.

Unfortunately, the day Lahey dreaded came too soon. While at work, Lahey got a phone call from Louisa’s father telling her Louisa had passed away. The days following the news were very purposeful. Lahey spent her days writing a eulogy, planning a memorial service and reaching out to friends to let them know. “It’s evident we have rituals after death because it gives us something to do for that person who is gone, which allows time for the bigger reality to sink in. Sharing memories and still grieving are a part of that, it’s a lot of heavy and intense emotions, but also very full,” says Lahey.

Lahey spent almost three decades writing her book. She began writing things down immediately within the first year or two after her friend’s passing. The memories and experiences they shared together were still fresh and she wouldn’t know how well she would have remembered those things if she didn’t write them down right away. Having a photocopy of Louisa’s diary during the years she was sick also helped her understand what Louisa was feeling towards the end of her life. Lahey didn’t know how to shape it into a book until recently. 

“The years I spent writing the book I realized, the book is not only about her, but how friendship is important in our lives. It’s interesting how people become friends and why some work and others don’t. And how do they affect us, and how they are safe harbours for us or dangerous places,” says Lahey. Lahey recognizes that sometimes when people get older, they often become closer to their friends than members of their own family. They are not relationships we recognize in society as critical, but they can be just as important as a relationship with a parent or sibling. She feels fortunate to have had a friendship like that at a young age.   

Lahey misses the ordinary things about her friend, like a simple conversation about music or the weather. They would talk about whatever was on their minds and checked in regularly, especially when Louisa moved to Vancouver during the last couple years of her life. When Louisa passed away Lahey felt her ally was gone and it was like trying to learn who she was all over again. “It’s been 27 years and you don’t stop missing a person or their presence or surprised that they aren’t there. It’s a strange thing. I wonder a lot about where Louisa would be now. Would she have stayed out west? Which of her many career options would she have followed? There are all kinds of mysteries that you go through. I think about it often,” says Lahey. Although Louisa’s life was short, it wasn’t absent of purpose. Some people’s lives are longer, but that doesn’t mean they’re more full, more complete or meaningful.

Lahey hopes this book and Louisa’s story brings the same sense of joy that Louisa had in life and shows the weird and wonderful world of friendship. Lahey says this experience has taught her that sometimes life goes in the opposite direction of what you originally thought. That’s just life, says Lahey.  “There could be some element of this being a sad story, but it’s not and she wouldn’t want us to think of it that way. I hope that’s captured. She loved life and appreciated being alive. You can be really sick and not know how things will go but also have this incredible triumph in the little things in life.” 

 *To maintain the privacy of people involved the author changed the names in her book