Anxiety tips for students: How to conquer social anxiety and shyness

Original story published September 2022, updated October 2024

From in-class presentations to first dates to job interviews, university life can be full of opportunities that are both nerve wracking and exciting. 

These new, unfamiliar and sometimes stressful situations can increase feelings of shyness and anxiety, especially social anxiety, which focuses on the possibility of being negatively evaluated by others.

Friendships established at university can grow to be life-long, and are a key aspect of the university experience. To help students reduce their social anxiety and feel better equipped to make friends and meet new people, psychology professor Martin Antony, director of the Anxiety Research and Treatment Lab (external link)  at Toronto Metropolitan University, and co-author of The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook, offers some helpful tips:

Confronting anxiety

• Don’t assume that your anxiety-related predictions are true. Do you worry about other people noticing your anxiety? Challenge your anxiety-provoking beliefs and predictions rather than assuming they are true by asking yourself: “What is the likelihood that others will notice my anxiety?” and “What is the worst that could happen if people notice that I am nervous?”
  
• Look at the evidence for your anxiety-related thoughts. For example, if you assume that other people will find you incompetent, what evidence do you have for this belief? Is there evidence that people don’t find you incompetent? So what if a few people do think you are incompetent? After all, nobody is liked by everyone! How might you cope with some people not thinking you are perfect? Is it really important to be liked by everyone, or is that belief just your anxiety talking? Try to shift the way you think about social situations and look at them the way someone without social anxiety might think about them.
  
• Don’t avoid social situations - confront them. We all avoid situations that make us nervous, at least some of the time. We make excuses to get out of doing things we don’t want to do, and we find subtle ways to protect ourselves in situations that make us uncomfortable (e.g., sitting at the back of the class to avoid being called on by the professor). Unfortunately, avoiding situations and relying on safety behaviours helps to keep your anxiety alive.
  
  One of the most powerful ways of overcoming anxiety involves purposely exposing yourself to the situations you fear, over and over again, until you feel more comfortable. Of course, doing this means being prepared to feel uncomfortable during the first few “exposure” practices. If you’re shy, talking to others will be difficult at first. If things don’t go perfectly, that’s okay. It will become easier over time if you keep practicing.
  
  
• Trying to control or hide your anxiety may make it worse. Shyness and social anxiety can be reduced by learning to accept uncomfortable feelings rather than controlling them. Strategies that keep you focused on the present, like meditation, can be useful. Exercise has also been found to help with anxiety-related problems (Check out many of the ways you can get moving at TMU).

Feeling anxious

• Get to know your anxiety. Before you can take steps to reduce your anxiety, it is important to understand the nature of your discomfort. Here are examples of a few questions you can ask yourself:
  • What triggers my anxiety? Are there particular situations that make me uncomfortable? Making friends at school? First day of classes? Giving presentations? Being stared at by others? Speaking with my professors?
  • What thoughts and predictions contribute to my anxiety? Do I worry what others may think about me? Do I worry that others may view me as someone who is not smart, is boring, or unattractive? Do I worry about being embarrassed or humiliated?
  • What physical symptoms do I experience in social situations? Do I blush, sweat, shake, or lose my train of thought, for example?

Making conversation

• Be open to conversation. For many people, this can be hard to do, especially if there are a lot of unfamiliar people in a classroom. Start by smiling and make eye contact. Relax and try to say “hello” to some people you don’t know.
• Don’t spend too much time on your smartphone, you may miss out on cues that people would like to chat with you. People may assume that you are not interested in conversation and may be less likely to approach you again.
• Mingle. Once you start talking with someone at a social gathering, you may want to stick with them because you feel comfortable. Instead push yourself to talk to someone else, especially someone you have not met before. 
• Ask questions. This is an opportunity for you to get to know a classmate and find out about their background and interests. But be careful not to turn this into an interview or Q & A session. Share some experiences and stories of your own to balance out the conversation.
• It’s impossible to be liked by everyone. Decades of research shows that people tend to gravitate to similar others (e.g., those who have common interests and experiences). Accept the fact that you may not hit it off with everyone you meet; it’ll help you find other students who do click with you.

Dating while anxious 

• Successful dating requires a willingness to be rejected. Asking people out on dates increases the risk of rejection; most dates do not lead to successful relationships.  So why do it? Your chances of success increase with your willingness to take risks. If your odds of a date leading to a happy relationship are 1 in 20, then asking someone out once per year would take you 20 years to get into a relationship. Asking someone out daily will lead to a relationship in a few weeks!
• Refocus attention. If you find yourself worrying about what your date thinks of you or whether you’re being sufficiently engaging, you might prevent yourself from really getting to know someone and having a good time. Try to redirect your attention to the present experience, focusing on what your date is saying and your experiences in the moment.
• Even if it doesn’t go well – consider it a win. Some dates are better than others. Even if your date doesn’t go as well as you had hoped, take some time to consider what you gained from going out. If you consider each date as a learning opportunity, you are less likely to be disappointed. 

Online dating

Recent TMU psychology PhD graduate Ariella Zeifman offers insight into how to manage anxiety and shyness for those using online dating apps. “I would advise dating app users to avoid endless swiping, and instead focus their energy on more meaningful engagement with a small number of matches,” she offers. “Socially anxious individuals may struggle with this because it involves more active communication - so going in with this intention could prove helpful.”

Take some pressure off by reminding yourself that online dating is just one way to meet people. Dating apps can be challenging for many reasons, and that can be difficult for those who are eager to meet their match. Remember to spend time with friends and participate in activities that bring you joy. (You never know - you may also meet new friends or a new crush who shares your passion!).

You are not alone

Being apprehensive about large social situations is normal, and it is important to keep in mind that there are many other students who are in the same situation as you and likely feeling nervous as well. However, like you, they are also eager to share their university experience with others and make new friendships.

To access a variety of health, well-being, and academic services and supports, including workshops on social isolation and loneliness visit Student Wellbeing at TMU.

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